Happy birthday Olek ...
When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punch line becomes apparent.
What do you call a person who tells dad jokes but has no kids? A faux pa
“I asked my dad for his best dad joke and he said, ‘You.’”
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back. Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
When is a door not a door? When its ajar.
I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.
If you want a job in the moisturizer industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
Why was the big cat disqualified from the race? Because it was a cheetah.
What happens if a frog parks illegally? They get toad.
Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
Why did the man name his dogs Rolex and Timex? Because they were watch dogs.
Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind… it’s tearable.
People say smoking will give you diseases… But how can they say that when it cures salmon?
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I ever saw!
Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn’t know it was on fire.
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants!
Why don’t crabs give to charity? Because they’re shellfish
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”
I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke today. Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink
How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1
If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse!
Without geometry life is pointless.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.
What rhymes with orange? No it doesn’t.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.
How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.
The inventor of the throat lozenge has died. There will be no coffin at his funeral.
My grandpa warned people the Titanic would sink… No one listened, but he kept warning them until they got sick of him and kicked him out of the cinema.
A supermarket cashier once saked if I would like the milk in a bag. I said “No, just leave it in the carton”
Why are skeletons so calm? Because nothing gets under their skin.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.
I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was raking it in.
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.
Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What did the right eye say to the left eye? “Between you and me, something smells.”
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
Why can’t T-Rexes clap their hands? Because they are extinct.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar. The bartender said “sorry, we don’t serve breakfast.”
What did the daddy tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up.
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!
RIP boiled water. You will be mist.
What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.
Why can’t two elephants go swimming? Because they only have one pair of trunks.
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? To go with the traffic jam.
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle? Attire.
My wife is on a tropical food diet, the house is full of the stuff. It’s enough to make a mango crazy.
What do you call a factory that sells passable products? A satisfactory.
I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
Our son once said “Dad, I was thinking…” and I replied “I thought I smelled something burning.”
A nurse told me, “Sorry for the wait!” I replied, “It’s alright, I’m patient.”
How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!
“Doctor, I’ve broken my arm in several places” Doctor “Well don’t go to those places.”
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho Cheese.
I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.
Dad, did you get shot in the army? No, son. I only got shot in the leggy.
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? He couldn’t see himself doing it.
My wife told me I was average, I think she’s mean.
Why was the guy staring at the orange juice container? It said concentrate.
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got fired because I took a couple of days off.
The rotation of earth really makes my day.
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the middle of the ocean? Bob.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, “First offender?” She says, “No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!”
A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips. The barman says “Sorry, we only serve plain”.
Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing.
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator!
There’s a new type of broom out. It’s sweeping the nation.
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
I gave away all my dead batteries today… Free of charge.
My friend keeps saying “Cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”. I know he means well.
My son once said “Dad, I’ll call you later.” I told him “Don’t call me later. Call me Dad.”
I was once asked if I was alright. I said “No, I’m half left.”
I just found out my friend has a secret life as a priest. It’s his altar ego.
If a child refuses to take a nap, is he resisting a rest?
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night. I woke up exhausted!
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
Do I enjoy making courthouse puns? Guilty.
Did you hear the news? FedEx and UPS are merging. They’re going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
Why couldn’t the sesame seed leave the casino? Because he was on a roll.
There are three guys on a boat, and they have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. What do they do? They throw one cigarette overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
What did the time traveler do when he was still hungry after dinner? He went back four seconds.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
I was going to tell a joke about dogs, but it’s a little far-fetched
5/4 of people admit that they’re bad with fractions.
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth. It’s pasteurized before you even see it
My wife once asked me “How do I look?”. I told her “With your eyes.”
What happened when the two antennas got married? Well, the ceremony was kinda boring, but the reception was great!
Why did the yogurt go to the art exhibit? A: Because it was cultured.
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night. It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket… You can hide but you can’t run.
What did the horse say after it tripped? “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”
How do parents lose their kids in a mall? Seriously, any tips are welcome…
How do snails fight? They slug it out.
Two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.
I’m reading a book on the history of glue. I can’t put it down.
I have kleptomania. Sometimes when it gets really bad, I take something for it.
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale
Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
Don’t trust atoms. They make up everything.
What did baby corn say to mama corn? Where’s popcorn?
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef. If the cow has no legs, then it’s ground beef.
A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery. He charged one and let the other one off.
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles.
What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.
“Hey dad, have you seen my sunglasses?” “No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
A genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” I answered, “I wish I was rich.” And the genie said, “What’s your second wish, Rich.
I’m only familiar with 25 letters in the English language. I don’t know why.
I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”
Why did the poor man sell yeast? To raise some dough.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, “do you know how to drive this thing?”
What kind of shoes does a thief wear? Sneakers.
What’s the best part about living in Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
Did you hear that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be doing a movie about classical music? He’ll be Bach.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Did the disappointed smoker get everything he wanted for Christmas? Clothes, but no cigar.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.
Why couldn’t the bike stand up by itself? It was two tired.
My kid wants to invent a pencil with an eraser on each end, but I don’t see the point.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it.
Just quit my job at Starbucks because day after day it was the same old grind.
What did the ocean say to the shore? Nothing, it just waved.
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around
Want to hear my pizza joke? Never mind, it’s too cheesy.
A waitress once asked if I wanted soup or salad. I said “I don’t want super salad, I want a regular salad.”
What did the grape do when he got stepped on? He let out a little wine.
Did you see they made round bails of hay illegal in Wisconsin? It’s because the cows weren’t getting a square meal.
A nurse once asked me for my blood type. I told her “Red.”
Where did the one-legged waitress work? IHOP.
A server once said to me “Sorry about your wait.” I said to them “Are you saying I’m fat?”
My kid once said “Dad, make me a sandwich!” I replied “Poof, you’re a sandwich!”
I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
You know what the loudest pet you can get is? A trumpet.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine, he woke up.
I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.
I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.
A man was washing the car with his son. The son asked “Dad, can’t you just use a sponge?”
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs lying in front of your door? Matt.
I’ll do algebra, tackle geometry, maybe even a little calculus… But graphing is where I draw the line.
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Can February March? No, but April May!
I met some chess players in the hotel lobby. They were bragging about how good they were. It was chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
A furniture store keeps calling me. But all I wanted was one night stand.
What do you call a lonely cheese? Provolone.
How do you find a Princess? You follow the foot Prince.
What did the dad spider say to his kid spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the pee is silent.
I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
My son once asked if I got a haircut. I said “No, I got them all cut.”
What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments? An orchestra.
What does a zombie vegetarian eat? “GRRRAAAAAIIIINNNNS!”
I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone. Now it’s Hans free.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
Why wasn’t the woman happy with the velcro she bought? It was a total ripoff.
Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
I sold my vacuum cleaner, it was just gathering dust.
I don’t like people who take drugs. For example, airport security.
Where did the college-aged vampire like to shop? Forever 21.
Why did the robber take a bath? Because he wanted to make a clean getaway!
You heard of that new band 999MB? They’re good but they haven’t got a gig yet.
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty.
To the person who stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.
My wife said she hated her haircut. I told her “Don’t worry, it’ll grow on you.”
Did you hear about the sensitive burglar? He takes things personally.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t I’ve cut off your arms!”
You’re American when you go into the bathroom, and you’re American when you come out, but do you know what you are while you’re in there? European.
Why did the barber win the race? He knew a shortcut.
Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.