Why we fight about money – and how to avoid it

A spending spat is never just about the finances – it’s all about working out your shared values.

It started as a niggle over the way our living room was styled. I’d placed my preferred blanket on the couch, in favour of the one my husband loves. We’d just had our floorboards polished and I’d put the room back together as I wanted, without stopping to consider the fact that this was our shared space, not just mine.

The argument that followed became the catalyst for us to address the bigger financial issues buried under the blanket.

Jessica Brady, financial adviser and founder of financial literacy program The Greenhouse conducted a 2023 survey that indicated more than a third of the respondents (36 per cent) said they had disagreements with their partner about money monthly, or more frequently.

Money values

But a spending spat is never just about the money. Individual values inform our views on how funds are spent, invested and gifted.

“Often couples don’t know if they have competing or conflicting values,” Brady says, adding that the coupled-up clients she’s had who’ve since split experienced a “huge unresolved value conflict”.

The values that you hold may be unconscious and have formed as early as childhood. If you experienced financial instability in your youth, your primary value could be security, which in monetary terms may mean owning your home outright. Valuing freedom may translate to investing in shares to generate a passive income that replaces employment.

Many people value family and generosity, giving freely to show their love and appreciation, meaning there may be a philanthropic component of your shared wealth-building strategy to consider. You’ll likely have several money values that inform your financial preferences, but you won’t know if they’re complementary or conflicting unless you discuss them.

Unclear or contrasting views on money needn’t mean the demise of your relationship, though. Value systems will crystallise if you sit down to discuss your financial goals for your life together and, ultimately, the long-term vision for your retirement.

Experts suggest that if you’re prepared to go below the surface of finance-related disputes, it’s possible to not only enhance your wealth-building outlook, but strengthen your relationship too.

Keep it respectful

According to Rebecca Pritchard, senior financial planner at Rising Tide Financial, when couples discuss financial matters, they may employ business-like behaviour and neglect the fact that they’re negotiating with a loved one.

“Because they’re talking about money, suddenly it’s a binary, blunt conversation,” she explains. In her work with couples, Pritchard seeks to ensure that love and respect are present and that the financial planning strategy includes essential shared “us” objectives, along with personal goals held by each individual.

“Rarely do we see couples who are homogenous,” Pritchard observes and adds that it’s “healthy and normal” to have your own identity.

Pritchard recommends completing a goal-setting exercise that outlines your basic, comfortable and dream lifestyles for the short term, mid term and long term. Example goals may include private school education for children, generating $100,000 per annum through passive income, or international holidays. You can complete it separately and then come together to establish shared “us” goals and allow for individual goals, too.

My husband and I completed this exercise and found our priority is ultimately being mortgage-free (value: security), and, by retirement, having enough passive income to enjoy regular travel (values: freedom, flexibility). Your goals will be different to ours, but with a clear set of financial targets – educating children, buying a beach house or starting a business – you can interrogate your shared cash flow, work out where you’ll need to compromise and determine the priorities. Inevitably, the goalposts may move over time, so this is not a set-and-forget activity. You need to review your plans regularly as your life together evolves.

Start small

“The conflict is not always polarising. I see it more in terms of what people value from a consumption perspective,” Pritchard says.

In other words, the allocation of discretionary resources – personal training, clothes and dining habits – are among the common dispute triggers.

A respectful, transparent conversation and agreement about what’s reasonable in terms of lifestyle choices can stamp out the resentment that may come with satisfying individual needs.

Pritchard suggests looking at your shared cash flow together and understanding what your discretionary spending surplus is after household expenses, regular repayments and investments, then allocating an agreed sum that’s dispersed to your individual spending accounts weekly or monthly.

She believes that if you can’t find fair solutions for smaller cash flow matters, you’ll consistently face larger challenges in terms of property investment, where you travel and how you educate your children.

“If you don’t know how to compromise, that’s not a money issue. It’s a respect and value system issue,” she says.

If couples don’t understand and discuss the values that inform their approach to spending and investing, along with the long-term associated financial impact of their choices, conflict will likely ensue. By contrast, couples with an awareness of one another’s values and a transparent approach to shared and individual spending will likely face fewer quarrels over how cash is used. “Finding common ground in any arena is part of a sustainable relationship,” Pritchard says.

However, this may be difficult if there is a significant imbalance in financial contributions – whether there’s an income disparity or considerable family wealth on one side. Again Pritchard points out that if you have chosen to be in a committed relationship, you need to shift the spotlight from who brings the most financial resources and turn your attention to what’s fair for both of you and your family. She says: “You need to say to each other ’We have us goals, me goals and you goals – what are we focusing on?”

From the cost of education through to family trusts and acting as the bank of mum and dad, there’s a seemingly endless set of financial milestones that may induce heated exchanges where the family unit is concerned.

While personal values will likely underpin particular stances, one of the most significant financial decisions parents will make is how they might invest in their children’s first homes: how much to provide and whether the contribution is a loan or a gift. If their children have partners, that adds new complexities.

Estate planning and philanthropy

If financial conflict haunts you in your daily life, it’s vital to avoid the potential for disputes if one of you dies, particularly if you have opposing wishes for your estate.

Laura Harding, senior wills lawyer at Nest Legal, agrees that while values are a strong factor in estate planning, so too is the concern that the surviving partner will do the right thing for any children, particularly if they later re-partner.

”Where there are sufficient assets in the estate, it is possible to combine strategies and come up with an estate plan that satisfies different values.

Harding stresses that appropriate allocations for beneficiaries are essential for blended families, as there are both legal and moral obligations to provide for the children of the past relationship as well as the children and partner of the new relationship.

“We talk clients through different ways to do this and find one that works with their situation, whether that is a life interest, a separate life insurance policy, dividing up superannuation or a straight percentage divide,” she says.

Fight fair

Regardless of the specific money disputes you and your partner may face, breaking the cycle means getting to the heart of what you’re really fighting about. Is it a value conflict? A lack of transparency? Adequate estate planning?

In my case, the fight about the blanket had nothing to do with interior decorating, it was about equality. Seeking financial advice that helped us put our unresolved issues to bed is the best shared investment we’ve made in our relationship. And today, both of our blankets are on the couch.